Russian Sleeper Agents: Holiday Greetings from the Coneheads

Holiday Greetings to All Russian Sleeper Agents!

~ From the Coneheads

Dear Fellow Aliens:

First, Happy Holidays! We here in Remulak extend warm greetings to all current agents and alumni of the illustrious Illegals Program, now in its ninth decade. Though we were not with the Russian program, we certainly empathize with you Russians for what you have, or had, to put up with: Big Macs, 24/7 open supermarkets, suburban sprawl, Sarah Palin, the Kardashians and PTA meetings. Simultaneously mind-numbing and fattening. Terrible!

During your years-long training in the SVR's Potemkin American town, you no doubt were indoctrinated in Saturday Night Live and us Coneheads as part of American Pop-Culture 101. We lived under deep cover in Paramus, New Jersey for over twenty years after our spaceship crashed on earth. We assumed the lives of average Americans, concealing our true identities as Remulakians, fifty light-years from home. As you can see, we, like you, blended right in, speaking flawless American English and adopting American table etiquette by eating mass quantities. As parental units, Prymaat and I raised our daughter Connie as a typical Jersey girl, steeped in refined Garden State culture, manners and speech.

Vladimir Guryev & Lidiya Guryeva - aka Richard & Cynthia Murphy: You resided and were arrested in Montclair?! Why, we were only 25 minutes from each other! Now we know why we never ran into you guys at Fitzgerald's for St. Paddy's Day happy hour. You aren't even Irish! And your thick Russian accents didn't even come close to a Cork brogue. What were your SVR handlers thinking! Then again, who are we to talk? Our "legend" was that we came from "a small town in France." Can you imagine, what with our Ramulakian twang? Handlers = Bumblers. Don't you agree?

Andrey Bezrukov & Yelena Vavilova, aka Donald Heathfield & Tracey Lee Ann Foley: "Don" & "Tracey Lee"?? Are you kidding? Sorry. But you guys look like you came off a collective farm out past Irkutsk, not from Mayberry. And who were you supposed to be spying on at Cambridge, Mass? America's political darling, Elizabeth Warren? And, like us, your funny foreign accent just wasn't in sync with your legend. No wonder Harvard stripped you, Don, of your hard-earned MPA. That really sucks.

Mikhail Kutsik & Nataliya Pereverzeva, aka Michael Zottoli & Patricia Mills: Mike, our sources tell us that despite bearing the name of "Zottoli," you didn't know cavatelli from calamari. But they placed you in the state with the highest concentration of Italian-Americans. Brilliant. And Nataliya, your "Canadian" legend didn't hold water. Neighbors pegged you as "Yugoslavian," a nation which, like your cover, no longer exists.

Mikhail Anatolyevich Vasenkov, aka Juan Lazaro and Vicky Peláez: your vocal and rancid anti-Americanism gave you both away, a mistake we didn't make despite America's favoring our galactic enemy, Krypton, over our celestial ally, Kalumer.

Anna Vasilyevna Kushchenko Chapman: I'm afraid your other-worldly hair color was as much a tip-off to the FBI as our coneheads were to NASA investigators. And, had you adopted a more credible legend, as I did being a cab driver and driving instructor, you might have lasted longer. The thing is, a Manhattanite Russian party girl with no credible income source just didn't cut it. And neither did your tradecraft, which our daughter Connie has patented into a kids parlor game here on Remulak, "Anna: Space Cadet Spy."

Don't feel bad, Russian sleepers. We were nabbed by NASA sleuths who were onto us due to the unusual bend in the earth's gravitational field emanating from our ranch house in Paramus. They turned us over to Air Force security, who whisked us off to Area 51 whence we were exchanged for some astronauts at a neutral base on Mars. As you found out when you returned to Russia, life for us back here on Remulak is difficult. Our daughter was crestfallen not to be able to go to Paramus High's senior prom and we haven't had a Burger King breakfast burrito in years. And Remu-Mart just pales next to Wal-Mart. But we do receive broadcast signals (years later) of Dancing With the Stars and American Idol. And we've followed your own dramas with avid interest.

But getting back to this Illegals Program. Do you really think "Iron Feliks" Dzerzhinsky was in his right mind when he started up this illegals business right after the Great October Revolution? We don't. Remulak's security service has a dossier on Feliks going way back. And it isn't pretty, let me tell you. How does dope-addicted cross-dresser strike you guys? Okay, okay. Call it Remulakian disinformation. But I can email the file to you any time you'd like to see it. It's been declassified under the Anti-Gravity Open Information Act. We also have a growing file with a lot of dirt on "The Gray Cardinal." But that one's classified.

But it's clear your program is still going strong. The Germans just picked up two Russian illegals who were tasked with spying on an auto parts firm. Auto parts? And this gets us to the central point: History has shown that Mother Russia never lacks enemies, real or imagined. Why, the more paranoid you are, the more enemies you have. It's in the Kremlin DNA. But the cold war ended two decades ago. And America is an open book. All you need to do is to google whatever information you want on the place. And you know what? The Americans don't care! It's what an open society is all about. Even we Remulakians now see this. But, oh! What I'd give for a breakfast burrito right now!!

Warm Holiday Wishes,

Beldar, Prymaat & Connie

Writing the National Security Thriller, Part I: Tips for the Lay Author

Two ingredients are essential for writing a successful novel: good writing and knowledge of the subject matter. Just as a murder mystery reads better when the detective work and forensics reflect true life, so is it with national security thrillers. These include spy, political and military thrillers.

Verisimilitude: Separating the Plausible from the B.S.
What separates the outstanding national security thrillers from the rest of the pack is verisimilitude: creating characters, situations and plots that closely resemble the real thing. The worst thrillers are the ones where the author simply fabricates how a spy/political actor/soldier operates. That is not to say that the latter don't become bestsellers. They often do. The authors of thrillers lacking in verisimilitude succeed by spinning a good yarn for which readers are willing to suspend big-time disbelief. Ian Fleming's James Bond is a case in point. Wonderful entertainment. Totally divorced from the real world.

I've lost count of how many megabestselling thrillers I've quit reading because I just couldn't buy into the authors' story premise, character, methods or goals. I put down one bestselling thriller author's book after reading that her young protagonist was a CIA superstar agent after being active for only one year and who had an aversion to weapons. This author also refers to the CIA as "The Company," a term that fell out of use by the early '70s. This is isn't bad research; it reflects no research at all. Just pulling a story out of her ear. Likewise, I aborted two other bestsellers by another thriller writer after getting fed up with endless numbers of jaws being kicked in and cars cracked up. The stories are more befitting comic books than novels. 

Three living authors whose thrillers excel in large part due to their close adherence to how the real spy world operates are John LeCarre, Daniel Silva and David Ignatius. LeCarre gets it right because he himself was a spy in Her Majesty's service. Silva and Ignatius get it right by developing reliable sources who are or were intelligence officers and by doing careful, methodical research, drawing on their journalistic training. They know their settings intimately, having worked in the countries in which their stories take place. LeCarre is expert at capturing the banality of the spy bureaucracy. Their characters are conflicted operators in a gray world of uncertain morality; no comic book heroes performing fantastical feats on the side of righteousness in bogus settings.

Among the critical praise that I value most highly for my writing is that from a retired CIA officer who wrote of my thriller, Tribe:  "I was particularly struck by the verisimilitude of his renditions of the confusing and ambiguous life of the intelligence officer in the field, and the maddening and obtuse ways of intelligence bureaucrats at headquarters…His descriptions are so good I wondered at times how he got them through the government reviewers." (Why I'm Censored)

Getting It Right
So, how do you get it right if you've never worked as a government agent or prize-winning national security correspondent? By doing your research:

• First, constantly read the wealth of nonfiction books about the espionage world to get a good grip on jargon, procedures, tradecraft and bureaucracy. These include as well books by investigative journalists on specific cases: the Walker spy ring, the Aldrich Ames, Robert Hanssen, Anna Montes, Jonathan Pollard and other cases.
• Second, dive into the news archives on such cases. One recent and rare motherlode of information on so-called "illegals" or "sleeper agents" is the reporting on the ten deep cover Russian spies caught recently in the U.S. posing as American citizens. Books will certainly follow the news reporting.
• Third, try to develop sources among acquaintances, friends and family members who have professional experience in intelligence, diplomacy, law enforcement, etc. Ask them if you could pick their minds on how things are actually done in their respective fields.
• Another often overlooked source of nitty-gritty information is court indictments. Reading the indictments on Hanssen, Ames, Montes and the Russian sleepers is a real eye-opener on spy tradecraft. These can be either googled, or obtained from the websites of the regional U.S. Attorney offices which prosecuted given cases.

When writing your thriller, you can create a structure based on real cases, then fill it in with your fictitious characters and story line. The impact on the reader will be positive. You will be viewed as a writer who knows his/her stuff, a real authority.

The Craft: No Amateurs Need Apply
The flip side of the coin on being a honed national security thriller writer is, of course, talent. You can have worked as a legendary spy for thirty years, but if you haven't the foggiest notion of character, voice, plotting, structure, conflict, pacing, etc., it's best not to waste your time or that of potential readers by trying to slap together something resembling a novel when you lack grounding in the craft of fiction writing. There's the retired intelligence officer whose nonfiction books have been well received, but whose sole novel falls flat because the author lacks any such grounding. His story flops around for three-hundred pages; his protagonist is repulsive; the plot is missing in action. A reviewer said of this author, "he has the hallmarks of someone who has a driver's license, but who has been asked to fly a plane. The result is a dead-on crash, no survivors." The lesson: Know the subject matter. Know the craft. Without both, you'll either fail as a novelist or open yourself to serious criticism for not knowing your subject matter.

See also:
Writing the National Security Thriller, Part 2: Tips for the Layman

Writing About Spies: Some Observations 

Why Spies Love My Books

The Shadow War with Iran: Role of Intelligence

There is no place where espionage is not possible. ~ SunTzu, Art of War, ch.13

• More than a dozen American intelligence assets in Lebanon and Iran were seized recently by Iranian and Hezbollah counterintelligence authorities; sources report the number of U.S. agents caught inside Iran may number in the dozens. Summary execution is the usual punishment.
• On Nov. 29, 2010, Iranian nuclear physicist Majid Shahriari was fatally bombed by a man on a motorcycle while waiting in Tehran rush hour traffic. His family members were unharmed. A clean hit.
• Minutes later, another nuclear physicist and Revolutionary Guard member, Fereydoun Abbasi Davani, barely escaped an identical attack across town. He had been identified in a United Nations sanctions resolution as “involved in nuclear or ballistic missile activities.”
• Later that day, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that high-speed centrifuges used to enrich uranium had been damaged by a cyberattack. Experts estimate that up to 1000, or ten percent, of the centrifuges at the Natanz nuclear facility had been destroyed by the Stuxnet worm, a very sophisticated virus whose creation is universally attributed to a nation state.
• On Oct. 11, 2011, Washington charged the Iranian government with a plot to murder the Saudi ambassador to the U.S. with explosives. 

Discerning covert actions by national intelligence agencies is like a fisherman closely observing the surface of a body of water to ascertain what is going on underneath. Occasionally, something breaks above the surface -- in the case of a fisherman, trout; in the case of covert measures, violent or disruptive actions. A shadow war being waged between the West and Iran is increasingly becoming bareknuckled as a showdown looms over Tehran's evident quest to develop nuclear weapons. While the details of the highly classified covert campaign against Iran are lacking, the broad parameters of the West's efforts can be made out:

•  The key actors are Washington and Tel Aviv, with CIA and Mossad in the lead. Secondary actors are Berlin (BND), UK (MI-6) and Paris (DGSE).
• All four are engaged in aggressive all-source intelligence-gathering against Iran. But the more muscular covert action side of the equation falls onto Mossad's and CIA's/DoD's shoulders. Stuxnet was likely the product of a joint Israel-U.S. covert program, while the assassinations logically fall into Mossad's domain, Israel being less encumbered by laws against such actions.
• The European services have proven adept at recruiting Iranian sources to obtain intelligence on Tehran's nuclear program.
• There is a structured intel-sharing arrangement among the Western partners.

The Daily Telegraph reports that Israel is “using hitmen, sabotage, front companies and double agents to disrupt the (Iranian) regime's illicit weapons project” and that Mossad is behind the nuclear scientist assassination hits and Stuxnet cyber-attack.

On the Iranian side, the plot against the Saudi ambassador clearly shows Tehran isn't taking the active measures directed against it lying down. Iranian intelligence has demonstrated no hesitation over the years to spill blood in the form of targeted assassinations and sponsored terrorist acts. The Republican Guard's Quds Force has shown itself to be the spearhead in these active measures.

But this cold war between Iran and the West is heating up. An American academic has called it "the Cuban missile crisis in slow motion." And this escalation poses very serious policy challenges for the West. The latter's strategy is three-pronged:

• Diplomatic
• including increased sanctions
• Intelligence
• intel gathering
• covert measures
• Military
• advanced contingency planning
• last resort

The diplomatic effort has been well coordinated with increasing political and economic pressures exerted on Tehran. But it has not deterred the Iranians from their goal of joining the nuclear club.

The intelligence effort has also been well coordinated. It, however, has merely delayed Tehran from its goal. On the U.S. side, Presidential Findings guiding the American intelligence efforts have been bipartisan and have spanned at least three administrations. While interagency coordination has been fairly effective, the 2007 National Intelligence Estimate concluding the Iranians halted their nuclear weapons program in 2003 has been disputed by our European allies and others at home.

We are fast approaching an inflection point:  to exercise the military option, or not. This is where we see a divergence of views emerging. The Netanyahu government has been rattling its sabre, showing growing signs that Israel may ultimately have no choice but to launch military strikes against Iranian nuclear targets. Washington, on the other hand, has been tossing out a containment option whereby Iran's inevitable acquisition of a nuclear weapons capability would be accepted as a fait accompli, but its anticipated muscle-flexing in the region would be contained much as the Soviet Union's ambitions were held in check by a united West.

The trouble with a military option is that aerial and missile strikes against Iran's nuclear facilities would knock out only part of its nuclear program, the rest having been assiduously dispersed, disguised and buried deep underground. Tehran has no intention of allowing itself to be vulnerable to an Israeli strike as was carried out against Iraq's nuclear reactor in 1981. Washington and its European and Middle East partners, however, justifiably fear potential political repercussions that could lead to further regional destabilization.

Which gets us to the last possible scenario:  regime change. The 2009-2010 mass demonstrations by Iranians in response to rigged elections adds to mounting indicators of widespread dissatisfaction with the mullah-controlled regime. The U.S. and its allies have sought to exploit these fissures in the hope that growing public domestic opposition will eventually lead to regime change:

• In 2006, the U.S. Congress passed the Iran Freedom and Support Act which directed $10 million towards groups opposed to the Iranian Government.
• In 2007, President George W. Bush reportedly authorized a $400 million CIA covert operation to destabilize Iran. He reportedly signed a "nonlethal Presidential Finding" directing the CIA to coordinate a campaign of propaganda and disinformation and of undermining Iran's currency and international financial transactions.
• In 2008, journalist Seymour Hersh reported that "Congress agreed to a request from President Bush to fund a major escalation of covert operations against Iran" designed to "destabilize the country’s religious leadership."

So far, the Iranian regime remains intact and Ahmadinejad continues to prove himself a wily and formidable opponent. The central question for Washington and its allies is whether a policy can be forged that will contain Iran without igniting a hot war. And the role of the allies' intelligence services centers on how effective they can be in spearheading a shadow war that, so far, has managed only to delay Iranian nuclear ambitions.

See also: Iran Targets Foreign Diplomats: Beyond the Pale

Why Spies Love My Books

A former CIA officer going under the alias of "Max Cool" recently said this of TRIBE in his Amazon review: 

As a retired officer of the CIA's Clandestine Service, I was particularly struck by the verisimilitude of his renditions of the confusing and ambiguous life of the intelligence officer in the field, and the maddening and obtuse ways of intelligence bureaucrats at headquarters…and he describes them here in vivid color and accurate detail. His descriptions are so good I wondered at times how he got them through the government reviewers…If you like fast-paced adventure, an ingenious story, and good writing, read Tribe.

In his review of PERMANENT INTERESTS, a Pentagon official asserted:

I would make this book required reading for many undergraduate and graduate courses in foreign affairs or national security, and hope that it becomes familiar to the students at our service war colleges in Newport, Carlisle, and Maxwell Air Force Base.

The book review site Reader's Favorite commented:

It is clear the author has first-hand experience of the novel's politics and his encyclopedic knowledge of the turmoil of the Middle East and Afghanistan is impressive.

New York Times bestselling author Gloria Nagy stated: 

Bruno's detailed depictions of espionage tradecraft lend added drama to his story while revealing an in-depth knowledge of this dark art.

And a State Department diplomat said in his review of CHASM:

He uses his insider's knowledge of Washington's power corridors to make the whole yarn come frighteningly to life.

National security professionals love my books because they are the most authentic spy fiction on the market. They read thrillers with a close eye to detail and verisimilitude and they love it when they're reading the genuine article as opposed to the usual contrived spy thriller fantasies. Intel officers, in particular, are expert in separating reality from b.s. In my books, they see only the former. Unless they've worked on the inside like myself, even the best spy thriller writers can only approximate real life espionage and national security workings in their books. Most don't even come close. This is why British ex-spy John LeCarre has been so successful for so long. He gets it right. And so do I.

Each of my novels has undergone a rigorous security review by the U.S. government prior to publication (Why I'm Censored). These reviews take around six months as the manuscript is distributed to various national security agencies for scrubbing to ensure I don't leak any secrets. TRIBE, my latest thriller, underwent text redactions and modifications required by the CIA and the FBI. The State Department and a highly secret intelligence agency were a bit less onerous. The upshot is you get the most genuine espionage and diplomacy rendered in fiction this side of Wikileaks.

Foremost in the censors' minds is protecting "sources and methods." One hears this a lot inside the intelligence community. It refers to the ways and means of obtaining intelligence, whether by old fashioned human spycraft or by advanced technical means such as spy satellites. To ensure I continue to get it right, I have my own expanding personal network of "sources and methods." As I state in the Acknowledgements of TRIBE,

I extend heartfelt thanks to my friends and colleagues in the intelligence community, who choose to remain anonymous, for their insights into espionage tradecraft, thus, lending added authenticity to my story.

"Max Cool" goes on to say,

Bruno is a diplomat who served in some of the most difficult and interesting posts the U.S. Foreign Service has -- where intrigue, excitement, and weirdness mix with the lobotomizing effects of government bureaucracy.

This is another key element which makes my writing more genuine than that of other thriller writers. I knew Afghan  President Hamid Karzai when we was a mere political operative in the Afghan resistance to Soviet occupation. I also dealt with many of the mujahidin commanders who now lead the Taliban. I worked shoulder-to-shoulder with Secret Service agents in a protective detail for President and Mrs. Clinton. I carried out diplomacy with Cambodia's King Sihanouk. I've spent ample time in the White House, including the West Wing. I've either been in forums with or met five U.S. presidents. I met repeatedly with Cuban military and intelligence officers  for discussions on "The Line" at Guantanamo Naval Base. I've also been surveilled and harassed by the intelligence services of at least six nations. I've worked closely with all U.S. national security agencies. I'm a graduate of the U.S. Naval War College. And I've spent more time than I care to recall in various war zones and mine fields. I draw on this wealth of experience in crafting my fiction.

If you peruse the reviews of my books on Amazon, you'll see that they are overwhelmingly favorable. And this has paid off in all three of my books being Amazon Kindle bestsellers. My Cuba spy thriller will be released next year.

So, go for it. Buy my thrillers. If real spies love them, so will you. You won't be disappointed.

Click here for: James Bruno's Thrillers









Moron-in-Chief

I’m not sure our State Department serves us well. I’m not talking about the Secretary of State here. I’m talking about the career diplomats and the Secretary of State, who all too often may not be making decisions or giving advice to the administration that’s in this country’s best interest. ~ Rick Perry.

 The State Department is infested with communists. I have here in my hand a list of 205—a list of names that were made known to the Secretary of State as being members of the Communist Party and who nevertheless are still working and shaping policy in the State Department. ~ Sen. Joseph McCarthy.

My husband is in Iraq and hasn't seen me or our two daughters (2 years and 9 months) since June. Comments like Perry's make me want to cry in anger, frustration and sadness.  ~ Katie (Email From the Embassy blog).

The United States has a rich history of demagoguery toward its diplomats. Through his alcohol-fueled lies, Sen. Joseph McCarthy laid waste to a whole generation of Foreign Service officers and stamped populist suspicion upon the entire U.S. State Department. His spiritual heir, Sen. Jesse Helms did more damage to our diplomatic establishment over the years he chaired the Senate Foreign Relations Committee than any combination of our foreign adversaries ever could have. And now we have presidential candidate Rick Perry mindlessly espousing more calumny against our diplomats.

There are three underlying factors behind this diplomat-bashing by our politicians:  (a) class warfare:  a perception that the State Department is populated with liberal intellectual elitists; (b) xenophobia:  a suspicion of all that is foreign and those who devote themselves to dealing with foreigners; and (c) a dismissiveness toward diplomacy in favor of military and intelligence solutions to vexing foreign problems.

Add to this, in Mr. Perry's case, a deep mistrust of government. This is the governor who judiciously advocated secession from the union. Perry's singling out career Foreign Service employees for his unsupported criticism was one in a long stream of attacks against the federal government he has made in his bumbling presidential campaign. They are cheap shots to stoke populist ire and support in this period of Tea Party-fed paranoia. Perhaps the third federal agency Mr. Perry failed to recall in his "brain-freeze" moment was the Department of State?

So, Mr. Perry, let's take just two recent examples of the Department of State giving bad advice to the President:

• The State Department’s Intelligence and Research Bureau dissented from the conclusion in the National Intelligence Estimate on Iraq’s WMD capabilities that Iraq was reconstituting its nuclear weapons program. "The activities we have detected do not...add up to a compelling case that Iraq is currently pursuing what INR would consider to be an integrated and comprehensive approach to acquiring nuclear weapons."  State determined that the reports were "highly dubious."

• One month before the beginning of U.S. military operations in Iraq, the State Department warned of "serious planning gaps for post-conflict public security and humanitarian assistance." Recognizing that the military is reluctant "to take on 'policing' roles," the Department predicted that "a failure to address short-term public security and humanitarian assistance concerns could result in serious human rights abuses which would undermine an otherwise successful military campaign, and our reputation internationally."

And here's another thing to consider. One of the few benefits emanating from the Wikileaks affair is the universally high praise given to Foreign Service officers for their superior reporting, analysis and policy recommendations.

In the lobby of the State Department building are memorial plaques listing the names of 236 U.S. diplomats, including eight ambassadors, who gave their lives in the line of duty, people who dedicated themselves to providing sound information and advice to their president. Flippant remarks like yours, governor, dishonor our envoys who gave their full measure to their country. And they belittle the sacrifices Foreign Service family members like Katie and her daughters endure.

So, Mr. Perry, you have demonstrated almost on a daily basis, through your repeated gaffes and severe BDS (brain deficit syndrome) that you are not ready for prime time, that with you as president, it would be curtains for this country. As they say in Texas, "An empty bucket makes the most racket." And you, sir, are a case in point.

Why I Love Amazon: My Three Bestsellers

Warning:  In contrast to my usual modest and selfless nature, I devote this post to shameless self-promotion and narcisism. If you read on and discover that I've become as egocentric and bloviating as the most pompous characters in my novels, I do not apologize. You were duly warned!

As I write this, all three of my thrillers are Amazon Kindle bestsellers. PERMANENT INTERESTS finds itself on the "Political Fiction" and "Political Literature" bestseller lists. It comes and goes on the "Spy Tales & Intrigue" bestseller list as well.  CHASM and my newest release, TRIBE, are both on the "Political Fiction" list. That's three bestselling books concurrently. All three books have received rave reviews/blurbs from three New York Times bestselling novelists. TRIBE is racking up impressive reviews from Top Amazon Reviewers as well as from respected book websites. I pay no one for reviews; they are all volunteered.

Readers Favorite extolled TRIBE as "a brilliant book that is well-paced and -plotted with many interesting layers."

NY Times bestselling author Eric Wilson stated, "James Bruno deserves wider attention…I predict Bruno will...climb his way onto some bestseller lists."

Top 100 Amazon Reviewer Wogan "The Book Reader" said, "this is a book that will draw you into its pages and even possibly create a desire for a sequel."

How did I achieve this? Have I quit my day job? Will I buy a yacht with my royalties? When are the movie versions coming out? Will Clint Eastwood direct and is it true Brad Pitt and Matt Damon will star? Do I now hang out with New York glitteratti? Am I now a babe magnet?

I achieved this by many years of self-study, trial and error, countless hours of writing and learning the business ropes of publishing. I don't have a day job other than writing. I recently purchased a "pre-owned" canoe for $75. No movie deals -- yet. Truth be told, I don't care for New York and I run away from phonies, glitteratti or otherwise. No babes other than my beautiful Dutch wife and two sassy daughters.

Amazon has enabled this to happen. Amazon has democratized what has been for many decades an arcane publishing industry anchored in a bizarre, inefficient business model manned by arbitrary gatekeepers. Amazon is hastening the demise of the Bix 6 publishing industry just as Henry Ford hastened the passing of the horse and buggy. Amazon does this by revamping and streamlining the publishing business model and by treating authors fairly and with respect. Fortunately, I could see the writing on the wall early on and chose to put my eggs in the Amazon basket. It was one the best decisions I've ever made.

But books must sell themselves. It is an axiom in the publishing industry that the key ingredients to a successful book are good writing and word of mouth. By and large, all the purchased hype in the world will not push a bad or mediocre book into bestsellerdom.

I rather stumbled onto Amazon's bestseller lists. One day early in the new year, I checked my bank balances and saw a mysterious deposit with "Amazon" attached to it. Scratching my head, I opened my long neglected Amazon account to find out that PERMANENT INTERESTS had become a Kindle bestseller -- unbeknownst to me, dumb and happy writing my fourth novel. No hype got me there. Just word of mouth and, I like to think, good writing. CHASM  soon followed. And now TRIBE. The marketplace of readers is telling me they like my stuff. I am humbled -- but not for long.

So, my advice to other writers is to write your best, then re-write it and re-re-write it until you're convinced it's the very best it can be. Then toss it into the marketplace and see what happens. Oh! And make sure you grow a thick skin.

I must run now. Hollywood beckons. Gotta hit the hottest new club on the upper East Side. There's a yacht sale in Newport. Cosmo wants to do a photo spread on me…

Interview with ex-E. German Assassin Horst Fechtmann: "I Don't Enjoy Killing"

Horst Fechtmann

DIPLO-DENIZEN:  Horst, thanks for agreeing to sit down for this interview. You've had a long and varied career, one that most will agree has been quite out of the ordinary. First, tell us a little about yourself.

HORST:  Well, I was born near Karl Marx Stadt a few years after the war--

DD:  Which reverted to its traditional name of Chemnitz after the Berlin Wall fell.

HORST:  Ah, yes.  Many of us still refer to the old name…out of habit.

DD:  (silence).

HORST:  Anyway, my parents were active in mass mobilization for the Party. I started out in the Freie Deutsche Jugend --Free German Youth. At fourteen, I joined the Gesellschaft fur Sport und Technik (Society for Sport and Technology) and later I became a member of the Kampfgruppen der Arbeiterklasse (Fighting Groups for the Working Class). I was appointed Zugfuhrer. After high school,  I enlisted in the Grenztruppen - the Border Troops - serving mostly at the Wall in Berlin.  After three years, my high test scores and sharpshooting skills drew the attention of the Ministry for State Security, commonly known as Stasi. I was inducted into the elite Felix Dzerzhinsky Guards Regiment. 

DD:  Did you shoot people trying to escape to West Germany?

HORST:  Yes. I was following orders. They awarded me medals and citations for this.

DD:  What were your specific duties in the Stasi? 

HORST:  I was recruited into the Special Operations Unit.  They used to say we were the "sword" of the Sword & Shield. I was tasked with targeted terminations.

DD:  What exactly is "targeted terminations"?

HORST:  Terminating enemies of the state and assisting fraternal socialist nations to do the same.

DD:   What were some of your early missions?

HORST:  They sent me to Angola and then to Mozambique when those countries were fighting reactionary forces following their struggle to end Portuguese colonialist oppression. I terminated leaders of the counter-revolutionary movements and helped train indigenous forces to do the same. My favorite weapons were the Dragunov sniper rifle and, for close distance terminations, a Glock 17 pistol. Or the Russian 7.62 silent pistol. It makes only a pop sound, but the round is a big one. Very effective.

DD:  And later assignments?

HORST:  I assisted Soviet forces in Afghanistan. As a sniper, I racked up 237 confirmed kills. Later, I had special missions in Europe and the Middle East.

DD:  Can you provide specifics?

HORST:  No.

DD:  Let's fast-forward. In 1989 the Berlin Wall falls, Germany reunites. Horst Fechtmann is out of a job.

HORST:  Yes. For the first time in my life, I was unemployed. Our West German masters -- we called them the Besserwessies - Better-westies, if you will -- had no use for us GDR cadre. So, I was on my own. I needed work. I became a freelancer. And a capitalist. There is no Stasi 401(k), no pension.

DD:  You could have gone into corporate security work.

HORST:  No. I was blackballed. The Besserwessies saw to that.

DD:  Okay. So then what?

HORST:  Back to Africa. Rhodesia. South Africa. Equatorial Guinea. Algeria.

DD:  How much did you earn per hit?

HORST:  I'm afraid that's proprietary, confidential information.

DD:  In his bestseller CHASM, author James Bruno reports you got fifty grand from the White House for whacking the Branko brothers.

HORST:  No comment.

DD:  That's 25 G's per victim.

HORST:  No comment.

DD:  You're pretty cheap. I might hire you to take out an enemy or two.

HORST:  We can talk. After the interview.

DD:  Author Bruno describes you as "a specter on a graveyard breeze." And "Fechtmann would lie in wait, like a black puma eyeing its prey, waiting for the right moment to strike with lightning lethality. " His motto is Silence = Death.

HORST:  He is referring to the Stasi indoctrination of Geduld, Geheim, Geschwind - Patience, Secrecy, Swiftness.

DD:  Do you still get contracts from the U.S. government? The CIA, Pentagon?

HORST:  No. That all ended years ago. Something about your peculiar laws and your meddling Congress.

DD:  Bruno also writes, "Most of his previous victims had deserved to die, having played a bad hand in the international espionage game." So, do you have a conscience? Or is it simply a service rendered for cash?

HORST:  I never terminated a person who didn't deserve to die. I look at it as an extension of war. I don't enjoy killing.

DD:  Interesting. Now to your present and future. Bruno states in CHASM, "After this job, the only things he would kill would be flies at his Florida bar." Is that what you're up to?

Cafe Paradiso

HORST:  In CHASM, it appears that I, myself, was assassinated. This is only a ruse. Bruno is ingenious. That's why all of his thrillers are Amazon bestsellers. He plans to use me in future stories. Now, all I kill is indeed flies at my fern bar, Cafe Paradiso in Key West. Here is a voucher. Happy Hour is from 4 till 6 every Friday. I serve homemade brockwurst. Bring a date.